Article 03 - A Father's Worst Nightmare.

MAY 13, 2005 - THE DAY MY LIFE CHANGED.


When I held Samara Grace Renner for the first time, something happened that will forever change me. No, I'm not talking about the "new father" glow that you would naturally expect... though that was certainly there. I sincerely mean that something profound (almost miraculous) happened to me when I settled down with this new life, wrapped warmly in my arms.


Forget all of the predictable crap that you think I'm going to say. You know... "she was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen" or "nothing else mattered" or "I'd never been more proud." Truth be told, my selfishness was threatened and my pride was snarling like a dog on a bone. Keeping everyone's attention fixated on me was going to be a lot harder now. Prurient, I know... but I'm trying to be honest. The good news is, all of our "junk" gets processed quietly and in the background. For all anyone else knew in that moment, this was my finest hour.


I can remember positioning myself in that semi-soft chair just after cradling her tiny little body up to my torso. I was new at this. There was a real amateur quality to my execution. Everything that I did was strange. I was used to pecking away at keyboards, tweaking key frames, adjusting record levels, and skating my hand atop mice. Cradling a new life was as queer an experience to me as I can scarcely recall. So it was no wonder that my mind was ablaze with every random thought that you could possibly imagine. Picture yourself speed-dialing through the radio in your car (not possible with XM). Snippets of advertisements, songs, and DJs... all flying by you in a whirlwind of unintelligibility. That was me in that moment.

AND THEN IT HAPPENED.


Somewhere, in the middle of all of that scatter-brained chaos, it all just stopped. Suddenly, a momentary silence. And then, a thought so clear and so concise... so quick and so brilliant... so complicated and so well-formed just POPPED into my mind.


"You're about to understand Me a little bit better, a whole lot more, and for the rest of your life."

...and then it was gone.

I KNEW IT WAS IMPORTANT.


There was no way that I could shake it, that phrase had instantaneously stained my mind... like a spot of light that lingers after a flash photo is taken. You want to see life as it was before, but that pesky glow blocks everything out. So I decided to get out my ears and listen to it again.

"You're about to understand Me a little bit better, a whole lot more, and for the rest of your life."

Huh. Interesting. There seemed to be a form to it. It smelled of some clever intentionality. So I decided to dissect it.

SCISSORS.


I tenderly applied an incision. A piece fell off. There it lay, bloody on the table.

"You're about to understand Me a little bit better..."

Curious. There seemed to be a couple of words in there that didn't belong in a simple, self-derived idea.

The words "You're" and "Me" shouldn't be in the same sentence if it was truly a thought that came from me. That is, unless I'm going crazy. [Some would argue for that.] Thankfully, I know me better than some... and I can most assuredly tell you, the secondary person that is assumed behind those two choice words is most certainly not me (nor some whacked-out fraction of me).

I get weird looks every time I say this but... I can "hear" God speak.


I know, I know... there's a lot that goes with that. It sounds whacky to many folks. Heck, it even sounds whacky to me when it comes out of my mouth or falls onto the page. That's probably because I realize the ramifications it presents and the myriad of questions that it raises. If that's you too, just know that I'm aware of the potential problems that such a claim raises. I really am. I also know that it makes me sound insane.

And yet, at the very same time, I cannot deny that it happens. It just does.


In some ways, it plays more like a gimp than a beauty mark, especially in this culture. It's kind of like how it would feel to be able to walk through walls when other folks can't. In one way, it's really cool. I mean, hey... who wouldn't want to walk through a wall or two? But in every other way, it makes you feel weird, scares people (especially those who like to feel protected behind walls), and causes folks to stay away. Some think you're nuts. Others think that you can't be trusted with such a gift. Some are offended that they can't do the same. Some think that you're lying... trying to manipulate the fools who accept the claim. There's usually a few who manage to treasure the gift and want to benefit from what it may bring. And then, naturally, there are others who also claim to walk through walls; others with the same gift. I usually find myself skeptical of them just like you are of me. I respect that. There's nothing wrong with a healthy caution when people make such claims.


I suppose the only thing that comforts me in the midst of my potential lunacy is that I believe everyone is gifted with the same ability. You too can hear God. At least, I think so. This is not a na-na-na-na-boo-boo thing for me. I claim no supreme executive power. On the contrary, I believe that hearing our Father is just another part of being his kids. We all have the ability. If you disagree, then at least consider the possibility that...

A) You have simply not learned how recognize your Father's voice yet (this can easily happen to children who refuse to be in their daddy's presence)... OR
B) God has for some reason decided that He thus-far has nothing to say to you.

Let me put it this way... If there IS a God that is responsible for our existence, then it is not at all far-fetched to think that He could speak to us and we could hear Him.

Suffice it to say for now, whether or not you are convinced of my ability to hear God's voice... I am... and the voices in my head are making me into a better person than I could ever have hoped to be. Call the "voice" what you will. I am convinced that it's God because it always surprises me, it's always better than me, it's always from a perspective other than my own, and it's always looking out for me... even to the degree that it sometimes says things that I really don't want to hear. Because of this, I serve the voice in my head. I try hard to do what it says.

SORRY ABOUT THE RABBIT TRAIL...


WHEW! That was a colossal rant if I ever wrote one. Let's see... where was I... oh yes... I remember now!

"You're about to understand Me a little bit better..."

Better? That's a qualitative word. It assumes that I do not know God as well as I might. And from the sound of it, I am in for a greater quality than I had known up 'til now. I can dig that! So then what?

"...a whole lot more..."

Now we're talking about quantity. Not only will the quality be better than before, now I can expect there to be more of it. That's pretty sweet! I can dig that too. What's next?

"...and for the rest of your life."

Timeframe. It won't have an expiration date. This is not a one-time-offer. It won't end if I fail to renew my subscription. This improved picture of my Father is going to be an ongoing, ever-evolving, dynamic, and visceral experience for me.

APPLY AS NEEDED...


I realize that this is kind of a lot of chatter about something as simple as a single, solitary thought. But what you must understand is that the timing of that thought was of supreme importance.


You see, God didn't drop this on me in the middle of a hockey game. I didn't see the phrase floating on the ceiling after a few minutes of watching flies mate. The words didn't crowd my mind during my favorite episode of "Little House" or while I was eating a buffalo testicle in the hopes of winning $50,000 (that's right folks... fear is not a factor).


Instead, it came directly attached to this new and exciting adventure that I had just set out on. It came on the day that I became a daddy.

TIMING IS EVERYTHING!


God was telling me something. "You're about to understand Me a little bit better, a whole lot more, and for the rest of your life." This phrase dripped with potency. It still does. I knew it was God that had dropped it into my mind and, for that, I knew it was a precious gift on my very first father's day ever. It was a gift from my eternal Father. I knew it in the instant that it materialized in my head. But the timing was as much a part of the message as the message itself. Certainly, my Father's decision to tell me this on the day that I became a father was not to be ignored.

Up to that point in my life, I had never bothered to try seeing things like God does. I looked at life through a set of eyes that were always trained on the frivolous, the trivial, and the self-serving parts of my world. My perspective was like that of a million other little boys. I was always the son. But God wanted that to change. God wanted me to catch a glimpse of what He sees. And so I became a father myself. But not just for this one day. No, this was to be for the rest of my life. This would be a process that would not end until I did.


Thus far, I have not known God to waste my time nor pull a fast one. Strictly speaking, He was out to get my attention... and He most certainly got it.

In that day, I came to trust in my experience as a father more than anything else that I know. It's what God wanted me to do. No sermon can match it. No cynic can shake it. Even the Bible itself has failed in its light. Yup, I said it. The Bible has failed.

How so? You see, the Bible paints a picture (actually, quite a few). And what I have found is that the picture it paints of my Daddy (God) is tragically flawed. I didn't say incomplete (although I do believe the Bible is an incomplete picture of God). I said flawed. By that, I mean I believe it to contain gross errors. There's no catch here folks. Once again, this is not a clever twist on words. It is what it is. It is a statement of belief. It is part of the Luke that you have thus far saw fit to read-up on.

I think that the Bible is full of errors.

Not infallible...

Not perfect...

but FLAWED.

We can get into some of the details concerning why I have arrived at this conclusion in a later post. I intend to. For now, just be happy with the fact that you know something new about me. Let it bug you for a while if you'd like. Doesn't matter.

What does matter is that I am about to tell you how you can hurt me. It's the whole purpose of this post. I am about to spill the biggest secret that I keep; the revelation of my greatest weakness. By doing this one thing, you can cause me more misery than lopping my arms off, poking my eyes out, or calling my mother names. It is any father's worst nightmare. And based on my instinct as a father, I think that it is something that I have in common with God (my Father).

[deep breath]

You can completely rip my heart out and smash it to the floor if you can succeed at doing one simple thing...


...convince my children
that I do not love them as much as I do.

See you in the next article!